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The Town with No Name
(After the intro, we cut to the G-man at his desk in his room looking unamused) G-man (Unenthusiastically): I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that… Well, here it is: I figured I’d get this out of the way so I wouldn’t get requests for this. Today we’re looking at the cowboy (He uses air quotes for the next word he says) "Epic", the Town with No Name. (Western music starts as clips of the game begin to play) G-man (V.O): This point-and-click adventure game was made in 1992 and was specifically made for the Commodore. The Town with No Name has bad voice acting, horrendous cutscenes, and graphics that look like were made in Microsoft Paint. God forbid they used actual effort! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: I know what you’re thinking: G-mam, is it really that bad? Surely there has to be at least ONE redeeming quality! (He holds up the game case) This is the cover art. (Cut to a zoom-in on the cover) It shows a real person, so that must mean it has some real-life elements in it, right? (Cut back to the G-man) Nope. In fact, this man doesn’t appear anywhere in the game. So you know it’s bad when even the cover art lies to you! (He throws the game case down onto his desk. Cut to the main menu) G-man (V.O): Well, here is the main menu. There are only two options; the tutorial, and the start button. We might as well see how to play since we’re new. (The G-man selects the tutorial option. A British man’s voice is heard over a picture of a Commodore controller) Man (V.O): Hello. As you’ve just seen, the on-screen pointer is operated with your CDTV remote controller. Using the cursor keys to move, and button A to select things. (Cut to a spinning check mark) Well done! That’s the difficult part over with! (Cut back to the G-man with his face in his hands) G-man: Dear lord, this is gonna blow! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): After we shoot someone in the tutorial, it ends. Yeah, it just ends like that! Well, I guess we’re ready. (In whispering voice) Pray for me… (Cut to the opening scene) Alright, this looks okay so far… (Cut to the protagonist and the old timer talking. You can’t hear anything they’re saying) I guess this isn’t important if we CAN’T HEAR THEM! (Cut to the first three choices) And here is our first choice. We can either get back on the train, talk to the old timer from before, or head into the Town with No Name. You know what? Let’s get back on the train and forget any of this ever happened. (Cut to the protagonist jumping on a squashed spider before getting back on the train. Cut to a small kid) Kid: Come back, Shane! (The protagonist shoots his gun at the kid. The latter flying back far) Protagonist: My name’s not Shane, kid! (Cut to the train flying through space before the glowing words "THE END" in all capital letters pops up. Cut back to the G-man with his mouth agape) G-man: What. The fuck. Just happened?! (Cut back to the main menu) G-man (V.O): And guess what. That counts as an ending to the game! Our quote end-quote "Hero" shoots some random kid, the train flies off though space and time, and that’s the end! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: And that sets the tone for the rest of this review! So let’s get this over with! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): To advance, we head into town where… (A bad guy comes out from behind a building and fires his gun) Whoa! Okay, wasn’t expecting that… (Nothing happens) Uh… Did I break the game, or-? (A cutscene suddenly plays where the bullet from the gun lands near the protagonist’s feat) Oh! I guess it was one of those slow-moving bullets. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: What? Those exist! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): So we beat the man to the draw, but it looks like I missed… (Cut to a vulture flying when the bullet suddenly hits it. Cut to the bad guy) Bad Guy: Ya missed me! (He gets hit by the falling vulture. Presumably killing him in the process. Cut to a shady-looking man with a cigarette in his mouth) ???: He’s done it now. He’s killed Evil Eb’s littlest brother. And that means trouble… (A mock version of Abraham Lincoln slides past the screen before we cut back to the G-man looking confused) G-man: I have several questions… (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): According to whoever that was, we killed Evil Eb’s littlest brother. So that means that he and the rest of his gang are out to get us. (Cut to a still-frame of mock Lincoln) Oh, and this guy? Unimportant. (Cut to the area select screen. The text "Where now?" is above the options.) Where now? Hell, I don’t know where this game is heading! Well, let’s head to the saloon. (Horrible saloon music plays as the camera goes into the saloon. Cut back to the G-man covering his ears in annoyance) G-man: Honestly, was the conductor deaf when this finished playing for the first time?! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Now that we’re in the saloon, let’s see if the bartender has anything to say. Protagonist: This sure is a quiet town. Not many people. Bartender: There are great many people, stranger. But most of them are dead. Protagonist: Next, you’ll be telling me you don’t like strangers ‘round here. Bartender: Well, I don’t say that (Unintelligible) closing ti- (He gets cut off as we head back to the choice menu from before) G-man (V.O): Um… What the hell was that?! (He sighs) If I keep asking pointless questions, I’ll be here all day… Well, we head upstairs and there are three rooms to choose from. In the first room, we have a bathtub that we can choose to bathe in… (Cut back to the G-man shrugging in confusion briefly) While the second room has some sort of knife flying around, and… (The flying knife stabs the camera as cartoony blood splatters all over it) Okay, what? (Cut to a quick zoom-in on a grave. When the camera is close enough, the text "YOU ARE HERE" in all capital letters appear on it. Cut to a picture of the Protagonist with a halo over his head. A stereotypical cowboy voice is heard) Voice: The Ghost with No Name says: Press button A to begin again, boy! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: I… Died. For real! Gravestone and all! If this is what it’s like to die in that universe, then we are seriously screwed! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): And guess what? Every time you die, you have to start all over from the beginning. Why? Why is that a common thing game creators think is a good idea?! That’s like if you dies in any Mario game, you had to start all over! And when I mean start over, I mean replay every single Mario game in chorological order! Anyway, we head into the store… Storeowner (Hyperactively): Step right up, sir! Step right up and take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime, never-to-be-repeated mega-special offer! (Cut back to the G-man laughing) G-man: Dude, that is NOT how you run a store! Okay, what’s the special offer? (Cut back to the game. Purple curtains open to reveal a small, baked bean with text over it saying "One Baked Bean. 425 to collect!" Cut back to the G-man who has stopped laughing) G-man: A baked bean? And there’s 425 of them? Dude, I’m just browsing, thank you very much! (Cut back to the game. The Storeowner frowns and makes a weird noise. Cut back to the G-man) Okay, this guy CLEARLY doesn’t have people skills. Let’s get out of here. (Cut back to the game. A cutscene plays showing a man on a horse going into town) G-man (V.O): No matter where you go, this cutscene always plays when you go back outside. This is another one of Evil Eb’s gang members named Nasty Ned. Ned (In stereotypical Mexican voice): Evil Eb’s brother. You killed him, Señor. So, I’m gonna kill you! G-man (V.O): We take our ten paces, we turn and… (Ned shoots first) Damnit! Protagonist (As he’s pulling out a book): Darn! Just one more page and I would’ve finished this book! (He falls to the ground before we cut back to the G-man laughing again) G-man: Is it wrong that I think the only redeeming quality is the poorly-made deaths? (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): In the jailhouse, we can view who in Eb’s gang we’ve killed and who are still alive. While in the church… (Loud church music is heard as we head into the church) Uh, well, it isn’t Sunday. (Cut to the stable) In the stable, we see a horse, that looks… Normal? (It’s not) we can choose to steal it, but… (Cut to a cutscene where the Protagonist is flung out of the stable) It’s just another way of going back outside. In the office, it gives us a choice to, and I quote: "Rummage pointlessly and indiscriminately through the desks". Which, of course, I do. (Cut to a newspaper with the headline: "Evil Eb to lead gang") Protagonist (V.O): I searched the office and found… This. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: And the point of that was… (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): In the blacksmith, we finally meet the shady man with the cigarette. Whom of which we talk to. Protagonist: Do you get much trouble from Evil Eb’s gang? ???: No. G-man (V.O): There’s also the option to shoot him, but considering that he’s the cool guy, I don’t think that’s a good idea… Ah, screw it. (The G-man selects the option. The shady man shoots the Protagonist first. His head literally coming off in the process) Ow. (Cut to the station) Finally, there’s the station where we can talk to the old-timer. Protagonist: Found your spider yet, old-timer? Old-timer: Not yet. If you see him, tell him I’m lookin’ for him! G-man (V.O): Good for you, old guy. And that’s all the buildings we can explore in the game. So let’s go over the encounters. Zippy Zeke is up next and he’s… (Cut to Zeke rushing into town with the Roadrunner’s “Meep! Meep!” playing over it. Cut back to the G-man shrugging) G-man: …A cartoon enthusiast? (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): However, when we kill him, we don’t get any weird death animations, we see the Grim Reaper materializing and spinning around. After that, we get a visit from Crafty Clint. Although all he does is stand in one spot and shoot. And once again, we get the Grim Reaper. Nothing too special. The next person is Wildcard McVEE and he breaks the formula of simply entering and exiting a building. We have to play cards with him before we can- (McVEE suddenly shoots the Protagonist) WHAT?! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: What the hell happened?! Well, guess what> When McVEE’s talking about how much he’s going to kill us, you have to shoot him! I didn’t even know that was a time to use the pointer! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): This cycle continues with the next two villains. Eventually, Evil Eb himself decides that he’s had enough and comes to kill us himself. Eb: You’ve shot my entire gang! And to be perfectly honest with you, I’m a bit annoyed about the situation! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Seriously, man, the Uber Mushroom from the Mushroom Age was more threatening than you! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Anyway, we beat him to the draw, and… (The Protagonist shoots Eb’s hat off) Eb: Go on then, Billy Bob. Finish me off… Protagonist: Billy Bob? Eb: You mean you’re not Billy Bob? Protagonist: No, I’m just a drifter. (The text "WHAT?" in all capital letters pops up for a brief moment) I came here to Dodge Gulch to meet my sister. Eb: Dodge Gulch? Protagonist: You mean this isn’t Dodge Gulch? Eb: Nah. Dodge Gulch the next stop. Twenty miles down the line. Protagonist: Oh. Well, these things happen I suppose. Eb: Part of life’s rich tanistry… Protagonist: Shall we go and get a whisky? Eb: Why not? (Cut back to the G-man laughing hysterically) G-man: Okay, that’s great, but what’s the REAL ending like? (Cut back to the game. Eb and the Protagonist walk into the saloon as the text "THE END" in all capital letters pops up. Cut back to the G-man with his mouth agape) G-man: That was the end? The protagonist and Evil Eb become friends despite the fact that he shot all his henchmen? (He sighs) Wow, this game terrible! But you know what really takes the cake? This game is so bad, there’s no Wikipedia article for it. You want to know where I got this information from? (Cut to the Town with No Name’s page on…) The Crappy Games Wiki. Because apparently, that’s a thing. (Cut back to the G-man) Well, I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that! Peace! Category:Episode